Why did the chicken cross the road?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it [censored] wanted to. That's the [censored] reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Mr. T.: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Dr. Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Mrs. Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter.)
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Constable: To get a better view.
Yeats: She was following the Faeries that sang to her to come away with them from the dull, bucolic comfort of the farmyard to the waters and the wild.
Shelley: 'Tis a metaphor for the pursuits of man: though 'twas deemed an extraordinary occurrence at the time, still it brought little to bear on the great scheme of time and history, and was ultimately fruitless and forgotten.
Tolkien: Chickens are respectable folk, and well thought of. They never go on any adventures or do anything unexpected. One fine spring day, as the chicken wandered contentedly around the farmyard, clucking and pecking and enjoying herself immensely, there appeared a Wizard and thirteen Dwarves who were in need of a chicken to share in their adventure. Reluctantly she joined their party, and with them crossed the road into the great Unknown, muttering about how rude the Dwarves were to take her away on such short notice, without even giving her time to brush her feathers or fetch her hat.
A moment of silence for the bitches who have to...
Sad but true
United States: How can we further manage our citizens without being too obvious?
People: Don't manage us.
United States: Oh, I know, let's militarize the police forces!
People: We don't need that. We need jobs. We need food. We need housing. We need a good education system.
United States: We simply don't have funding for that. We just militarized your police forces for your "safety" from, uh, er, "terrorists".
United States: What?
People: We voted you in. You work for us.
United States: Of course we do! We just happen to have backroom deals where we take money from some of the biggest corporations and richest people in your interest.
People: F*** This S***.
United States: THEY'RE REBELLING. THEY'RE ORGANIZING. LOOK, IT'S A PROTEST AT A UNIVERSITY! QUICKLY! PEPPER SPRAY AND BEAT THEM INTO THE GROUND BEFORE THEY HURT THEMSELVES.
Media: We don't know what the f*** is happening, but here's your top 10 list for must-have summer items.
I have 3 different personalities.
heyfunniest: the one where I’m out-going and loud. the one where I’m shy and quiet as fuck the one where I hate everyone and every little thing bothers me. Follow this blog, you will love it on your dashboard
The Best of Hipster Edits
I can’t even.
If the Hunger Games characters could sing only one...
Katniss: BUT I SET FIRE TO THE RAIN!
Gale: NEVER MIND, I'LL FIND... SOMEONE LIKE YOOOU!
Rue: I CAME TO WIN, TO FLY, TO CONQUER... TO FLYYYY!
Peeta: I can't win, I can't reign, I will never win this game without you...
Finnick: I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!
Madge: JUST GONNA STAND THERE AND WATCH ME BURN...
Cato: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!?
heyfunniest: “It’s a nice day out today, I think I might open up the windows.” “I feel like being healthy today, I think I’ll grab an apple!” ” i’m feeling a bit hungry, I might go for a big mac” i swear to god “I think I’ll go to the gateway today.” I need to take a shit Life sometimes sucks, You need a break, Click here & Laugh!
Ah, science puns are the best
person 1: hey did you hear that oxygen and magnesium got together?
person 2: OMg
Morning: HOLY SHIT its freezing.
Afternoon: Who the fuck set the earth on fire.
Voldemort rose to power in 1997. He destroyed all...
ibelieveinjimmoriarty: HARRY POTTER FANS, YOUR LETTERS ARE STILL OUT THERE. HAVE FAITH! Holy Crap. I was 11 in 1997.
the world: hey man we've got some really serious problems like global warming and mass economic failure and riots and genocide and aids and cancer and your healthcare system is shit so maybe we should get to work
US government: sit down I have to stop people from sharing things online
US government: also pizza is vegetables
The Reaping from Peetas POV
peetasfakeleg: FUCK. katniss has been reaped. she looks hot though unf unf the things i’d do to her i swear if i were alone with her i’d- SHIT DID THEY JUST SAY MY NAME THEY JUST SAID MY NAME
Summary: (from Amazon) “For Cassia, nothing is left to chance—not what she will eat, the job she will have, or the man she will marry. In Matched, the Society Officials have determined optimal outcomes for all aspects of daily life, thereby removing the “burden” of choice. When Cassia’s best friend is identified as her ideal marriage Match it confirms her ...
The one day you are Facebook famous. I love my wall right now.
My 2012 Goals
Move out. Whether it’s a certain move I’m considering or save up and move out later in the year when I have more money. Get out of retail. Stop complaining as much. For a positive person, I complain a lot. Exercise 3 times a week. Not purely for weight loss, but for health.
The Problem with Books
I buy them. Then inhale them. I can honestly read a book in one sitting if I am really into it. Very rarely it takes me any more than 3 days. Then I have nothing to read. I’m happy though. I’m about to buy two books using my Amazon gift cards. :)
everyone else: i'm getting an ipad and a laptop and $300 worth of clothes and...
me: MASTER HAS GIVEN DOBBY A SOCK
Most Returned Gifts →
Maybe I’m bitter from working retail, but reading this makes me think “So many returns/disliking of gifts. What’s the point then?” Yeah, it’s probably holiday retail bitterness. We’ll have to revisit this in January. After I finish processing the returns.